Discovering Nemo - Finding yourself - Pt. 1

Over the last 2 months, the Gud Ole' Man has been taking me through a journey of introspection - one that has not been the most comfortable, in that it is difficult the kind of truth's that surface and the kind of response's that should be aptly given. Also it is not the easiest thing in the world to be defaced before yourself each day, every moment. But during this process, He's also been inspiring me to write on the process in length. 

So as i introspect more about myself each day, i'll continue to write about the process and post it on my blog. Here goes:

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DISCOVERING NEMO

Who are you? I mean, behind the masks you wear, behind everything you stand for in front of the world – who are you? At face value you might choose to say, “What you see is what you get,” but is that the truth? Or are there ugly motives which make you shy away into the dark at times? Are there thoughts which you are not proud of? Are you the person the world sees? Better still, are you living in denial of who you are by masking yourself from the truth that you are?

A journey of self-discovery and introspection is never easy; more so when you are in a position of authority / leadership and people look up to you. But unless you take this painful journey, in order to root out all that you wish didn’t exist in you and incorporate all that you want there; large chances are some day you will be exposed either by you slipping up or somebody catching up and the scene then is not going to be pleasant.

It was during a trying time such as this that Oscar Wilde wrote in his letter De Profundis –

“I forgot that every little action of the common day makes or unmakes character, and that therefore what one has done in the secret chamber one has some day to cry aloud on the housetop. I ceased to be lord over myself. I was no longer the captain of my soul, and did not know it. I allowed pleasure to dominate me. I ended in horrible disgrace. There is only one thing for me now, absolute humility.”[1]

It is better for us to discover who we truly are and fix it while we still have the time. It is going to be a painful journey; but one worth the while. Painful because it ekes out at the foundations of your image of yourself, stripping you down of all your masks till you see yourself for who you are and not; and I can tell you the image more likely than not is going to be ugly. It becomes worse still because you are most vulnerable without all of those masks and armour which most of us would have put into place to protect ourselves from being hurt. The worst part of it all however is if you choose to put back on everything that has been realised and stripped away, because you feel naked; you are back to square one – living in denial of who you are. However, it is worth the while because when you see yourself as you are and not & choose to deal with things in your life that shouldn’t be there and also foster things that should be there, which are only being faked right now; you are truly then becoming the person you can be, want to be.

That my friends is victory over yourself; a purpose worth disciplining yourself for, the painful journey of discovery worth undertaking, for a life that would only then be truly well lived. Discovering Nemo is about finding yourself.

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[1] Oscar Wilde, De Profundis and Other Writings (England: Clays Ltd, St Ives Plc., 1954; reprint, England: Clays Ltd, St Ives Plc., 1986), 152.

An ode to the most chaotic airport in India

When one is in the best of spirits, a sojourn through Kolkata airport can be amusing; not to mention while you are tired, it can be a harrowing experience.

Check out this video for instance:

As you can see, there are trolley's strewn all over, queues are never ending and booooooooooooooooy they are sloooooooooooooooow! Best part, no place to sit down :-) Oh, by the way, the noise in the background is not a problem with my phone speaker; that was the level of noise where i was standing and in most areas of the airport. I wonder sometimes if a train station is better ;-)

While i was standing in the queue to check in, it took over 35 minutes to process 5 people in front of me. Reason, every one of them had excess luggage; some standing even taller than the people whom it belonged to ;-) There were 2 guys helping load the luggage to the conveyor belt, and they were clearly having an argument about whether or not  they should move away the trolley's that were getting stacked up near the check in counter and blocking the way for people. The elder one was telling the younger that it wasn't their job :-) Finally an airlines guy comes and instructs them to move away the trolley's; and again a public argument ensues about why they should not be doing it, etc. During all this time, 3 passengers coolly walked past me to get to the counter without awaiting their turn, while the over anxious passenger behind me kept pushing his trolley into my feet.

Ok, get my boarding pass; and then stand in the line for security check. Not sure why it took so long, but well, i was in the line for over 45 minutes! Finally cleared security and went into the washroom and i tell you without exaggeration, it was STINKING! No water to flush after you pee and the place is dirty with spit marks all over.

I've had some of my worst experiences flying in the past while changing flights in Kolkata airport. So needless to say, i am not in the least impressed with it. But then it just keeps getting better. When you get into the bus from the gate to board the flight, you see heaps of garbage collected and kept in piles all along the walls.

What's most amusing though is the fact that nobody cares! A lady with a small baby comes lugging her luggage and finally reaches the check in counter after a long time; only to be told that they will not check her in for the next 1 hour. She protests saying that another airline rep asked her to check in; but the lady at the counter is going to have none of it. Atleast an offer of help to seat her till they start boarding?

I may be biased when i say this, but the proud Bengalis are a headstrong people who really don't care when it doesn't concern them - atleast that has been my experience so far with them during my brief times of staying over night to take connecting flights and merely passing by through the airport. My experience of trying to relating to Bengali colleagues i've worked with earlier has not been any better!

Coming back to the airport, i wonder what causes this sorry state? Is it the government or just the people and their underlying attitudes? If a city's airport and its atmosphere is anything to judge by, i would say it is a little bit of both.

Best part is, much smaller airports like Imphal and Dimapur which do not even have the luxury of buses to take you the flight, are much cleaner, operated better and the people are definitely nicer!

Its sad that an airport such as Kolkata which takes so much of international traffic will continue to operate in such a sorry state. In the middle of all the scams and corruption issues that have surfaced in politics, the media and anything we refer to as India, the question is who is going to take an initiative to truly change things?

Some parting pictures:

His ways are different...

The Gud Ole' Man has the knack of showing you afresh that He is in charge just when you start to question what path you should be taking / when you are confused about the right course of action.

Christi and me experienced the same yesterday. Like most couple's our age, we are beginning to want to secure our family's and especially our child's future. So we had applied for a home loan to pick up a plot of land close to the airport. We have always maintained a good credit history and financially He has brought us to a position where we are able pay the required EMI for the same. Thinking that it will be a good investment to keep for the future, we decided to go ahead and see where this went. Our prayer was simple all through - "If its Your will, help us get the loan; else we will know you didn't want us to move forward in this direction."

Post the application, the bank reps seemed very positive and almost certain that the loan will fall through without problems. 2 weeks went by and we were awaiting confirmation that the loan would fall through; also that we would then be proud owners of a plot of land :-) But then a thought struck me... What if He didn't want us to pick up this right now? What if it was not His will? More importantly, how would i react if the loan was rejected?

Yesterday evening, we received a call from the bank rep. Our application had been rejected on a really stupid reason - the company i work with is registered in India as a partnership firm in order to avoid a lot of legal hassles faced with starting as a private limited company in India. So despite our very good credit history and good financial health, the bank had rejected the loan on the stupid grounds of my company registrations! It came as a slight shock, but we quickly realized that it was clearly not His will; Even as we didn't feel the urge to try and apply some other place in order to get the loan.

As i was thinking about it today morning, i couldn't help but feel a l'il bad about the fact that the loan was rejected on really silly grounds. Also the immediate thing that comes up if they rejected a loan for the fact that my company is registered as a partnership firm, will christi and me ever be able to pick up a loan to buy a house / property of our own? The answer came immediately - the still same voice of the Sweet Holy Spirit, reminded me of the various times that we should never have gotten things given our circumstances, but we received them nonetheless!

The answer is simple. When the time comes that He wants to bless us with our own property / home, He will pull things into place for us no matter what the constraints :-) WOW! What an assurance that He has given us - we will never lack any good thing for He will provide all that we need (promised in Mt). With that assurance, we rest our case before Him and decided to continue to enjoy life one day at a time. For He truly is good and His provisions never fail us...

We are presently preparing to move to Somajiguda as its closer by my office. Also Christi and Aarav are going back to her parents place for the Christmas season.

A journey long...

This journey is definitely going to be a long one... You will keep seeing posts from it for a while.

So where does your solace lie? When you are down and out and want help... where do you find solace? Friends? Family? Mentor? God? I'm trying to map what various people would do?

Select your answer below and remember to be truthful - answer what you do mostly not what you wished you were doing. Where does your solace lie?

Who am i?

He seems to be taking me on a journey of self introspection; one which the more i travel into, the more i realize the ugly truth of who i am deep inside. It is not a pleasant sight to say the least when my image of myself is being deconstructed bit by bit. But i guess that is how the Father is dealing with me and helping me realize just who i am as opposed to whom i'm supposed to be and whom i want to be. From the most fleeting thoughts which i usually dismiss to those that make a nest on my mind to those that now possess parts of me; He is eeking them all out and showing them to me. The process is painful though to say the least; yet i know this is the only way! Interestingly though in the midst of all of this, my heart is constantly breaking out into a stream of words.

But as i walk these unfamiliar roads, the question that constantly stares back at me is - who am i? Who am i in truth? More importantly who am i that He had me on His mind while on that cross? And all at once, i feel loved and blessed, unworthy, happy, yet sad, wanting to do more only to realize the struggle moments later :-) Its amazing my friends to be loved so much by Him and yet so eeeeky to realize the many masks you bear even subconsciously to hide yourself from yourself.

So i try to discipline myself - yet again. I'm trying to learn to play the guitar, i'm getting into the discipline of spending time with His Word and in prayer no matter how busy my daily schedule and i'm giving up on my masks one by one - a task more easily said than done. But all in all i know He is at work like never before and i know that the end result depends on the choices that i make and the amount of His grace i choose to depend on and use to be what He wants me to be.

Let me ask you today - what masks are you wearing? In front of others, in front of yourself and in front of Him who loves your soul?

Accidents Happen?

Today afternoon as i was leisurely driving back home, sticking to one lane of the road only; i reached a crossroad and was on the left side of a truck. When the traffic in front of us cleared, he started moving straight ahead and i therefore continued moving straight beside him. Then all of a sudden without warning, he made a sharp left turn and banged into my car. I stopped the vehicle and tried to get out, but there was not enough space for even my leg to move out. I then tried to move my car back but it wouldn't budge as his front wheel was stuck in. Best part is during this time, he had still not realized that he had hit anybody. He again started to turn left and his already stuck while in the car's front fender went in deeper; dragging my car with him towards the left. I'm in the car all the time banging his door through my window and yelling my guts out. It was only when all the traffic in front of me and by-standers ran in front of his vehicle and stopped him from moving any forward that he realized something was wrong. He finally backed his truck a bit and i moved the car and parked off the road; got off the car and found a huge scratch all the way from the middle of the car to the front bumper from the 1st time he struck me and the entire front fender and my door bent in really badly.

I ran to the guy, made him park and get off from the truck and he refuses to accept his mistake; keeps saying (literally translated, so pardon the language) "you drive into my ass and expect me to see you?" I yelled my guts out at the guy and asked him to call the truck owner. During this time, all by standers are giving the truck driver a good talking to about he he could drive so carelessly. The owner arrives and calmly tries to understand the entire situation. I have by now calmed down a bit and am explaining the entire situation to him. He looks at my car, looks at where everything happened and very calmly tells me , "You should be happy nothing happened to you and you didn't get hurt. Why don't you just let it go?"

At this, i got very put off. I asked the guy if he would be so calm if he was in the car and the truck had damaged his car. He again very calmly replies saying he would have gotten off abused the driver, hit him and gone on ahead. I told him, since i had done neither of what he had said he ought to pay me the denting charges for the vehicle; he blankly refused the same. He then again tries to tell me, "Accidents happen on the road all the time, you have to let this go." I tried talking to the guy for half an hour trying to explain to him that he was being unreasonable and acting cool only because he was not the one who was affected due to the accident. He refused to budge keeping up the same line of speech and refuses to pay me damages. I finally told him, fine lets go to the police and sort this out. At this point 2 of his henchmen start pushing me around and tell me there is no way they will pay up or go to the police. And that if i wanted to do anything, i could take down their details and do anything i wanted. But (quoting them), "You would be wasting both your time and our time if you try going that route."

I was tired of arguing, exhausted from the entire episode, shaken up from how close he came to ramming into my door and feeling very angry about the damage done to my car and to top it all the callous attitude of the owner. It was almost as if because i didn't act like a local guy and raise a noise and bang the driver and owner around and demand paying damages, they wrote me off and told me to take a walk; its as if acting gentlemanly makes people take me for granted. I finally just took the guys number and noted the truck number and left. Went to the garage and left the car; will cost me a minimum bill of Rs. 6000/- to get things fixed.

I've spent the afternoon since then reminiscing what happened, feeling the following:
> Let down and angry because i've been taken for granted because i chose not to lose my cool and create a scene.
> Distraught because of how coolly i've been told to let go of the incident and forget about it.
> Angry because i have to pay up such a hefty bill and not get compensated even though there is no fault of mine.
> Wondering what course of action to take with this entire episode.
> Whether even if i decide to file a complaint tomorrow, if it would be worth the time and effort for the money; not to mention the endlessly irritating cops and insurance people to deal with.

So my question, to which i would like your sincere replies - What should i do about this? Should i pursue it? Should i let it be and forget about it? Or should release it to God and know He will give the people concerned what is due? Do keep in mind the time and effort it will take to pursue the issue while you respond. But on the other hand should i keep quiet and take this injustice lying down? Waiting for your replies...

Time to move on

Its been for a while now that Christi and me have been feeling that my time in Joyce Meyer Ministries is coming to an end. During this time, our only prayer was that He would open no other doors for us before that time came; and that when the time came to move, He would open the right door and only one door for us to move forward with.

This was realized a fortnight ago when He opened the way for me to take up position as the Head of Operations for India, for a new BPO unit setting up office in Hyderabad; an offshoot of an environmental lab called A4 Scientific in the US. I will be responsible for setting up and running the office; ensuring delivery on time and quality. Its a great opportunity to come in touch with a lot of people from other faiths instead of being cocooned amongst Christians all the time; i hope to make use of this time to stand for Him and be that lighthouse for Him where it matters the most - in the world out there.

I have always firmly believed that the church has to go out there and represent why our life, perspectives and hopes are different; not expect people to walk in to a church or a meeting we're holding. For the reason of why i have held this view so passionately for a while now, i believe is what He has laid in my heart. And therefore i see this as a fulfillment of what He has wanted me to do.

With this frame of mind i am looking forward to and excited about taking this up and standing up for Him. Things that i really need to get into order now and things that i grapple with:
> Ensuring my accountability circle is not broken; but the bar is raised.
> Ensuring that my flesh doesn't take over and allow me to swell up with pride.
> Ensure that i continue to keep myself grounded in Him and continue growing.
> Being very careful that i keep myself in the center of His will for my life.

Waiting in Anticipation...

How beautiful the earth is still,
To thee - how full of happiness!
How little fraught with real ill,
Or unreal phantoms of distress!
How spring can bring thee glory, yet,
And summer win thee to forget
December's sullen time!
Why dost thou hold the treasure fast,
Of youth's delight, when youth is past,
And thou art near thy prime?

When those who were thy own compeers,
Equals in fortune and in years,
Have seen their morning melt in tears,
To clouded, smileless day;
Blest, had they died untried and young,
Before their hearts went wandering wrong,
Poor slaves, subdued by passions strong,
A weak and helpless prey!

" Because, I hoped while they enjoyed,
And, by fulfillment, hope destroyed;
As children hope, with trustful breast,
I waited bliss - and cherished rest.
A thoughtful spirit taught me, soon,
That we must long till life be done;
That every phase of earthly joy
Must always fade, and always cloy:

This I foresaw - and would not chase
The fleeting treacheries;
But, with firm foot and tranquil face,
Held backward from that tempting race,
Gazed o'er the sands the waves efface,
To the enduring seas - ;
There cast my anchor of desire
Deep in unknown eternity;
Nor ever let my spirit tire,
With looking for what is to be!

It is hope's spell that glorifies,
Like youth, to my maturer eyes,
All Nature's million mysteries,
The fearful and the fair -
Hope soothes me in the griefs I know;
She lulls my pain for others' woe,
And makes me strong to undergo
What I am born to bear.

Glad comforter! will I not brave,
Unawed, the darkness of the grave?
Nay, smile to hear Death's billows rave -
Sustained, my guide, by thee?
The more unjust seems present fate,
The more my spirit swells elate,
Strong, in thy strength, to anticipate
Rewarding destiny !" 

-- Emily Jane Brontë

As i wait in anticipation for things to happen (so as to help the family and me lead a better life and save more), nothing depicts the state of my mind more than this poem. The key element being i know deep within only He can help us and keep us. Blessed be His name!

Don't Quit!

When things go wrong, as they sometimes will,
when the road you're trudging seems all uphill,
When the funds are low and the debts are high,
And you want to smile, but you have to sigh,
When care is pressing you down a bit,
Rest, if you must, but do not quit.

Life is queer with its twists and turns,
As every one of us sometimes learns,
And many a failure turns about,
When he might have won had he stuck it out;
Dont give up though the pace seems slow
You may succeed with another blow.

Often the goal is nearer than far,
It seems to a faint and faltering man,
Often the struggler has given up,
When he might have captured the victors cup,
And he learned too late when the night slipped down,
How close he was to the golden crown.

Success is failure turned inside out
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt,
And you never can tell how close you are,
It may be near when it seems so far,
So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit
Its when things seem worst that you must not quit.

Body BREAKDOWN!

After over 6 months now, my body completely broke down yesterday. I've been as weak as i was post my surgery in 2006. No energy to sit up (forget standing up and walking around), even chewing food makes me feel tired (not kidding here). And therefore as i've spent the last 2 days in bed, it became abundantly clear (all over again) what a blessing health is; which we tend to take so much for granted.

When i first got to know about my heart condition, i was crest-fallen and depressed. From there i went onto "living for the day and enjoying every moment, 'coz my life might be short". In all this i was running away from the fact that i have an existing health condition. But it had to all come to a stand still when in 2006 i nearly slipped into a coma as my heart started pumping 300 times a minute! As a result when i had to undergo 2 surgeries in order to correct the issue and minimize the impact on my life; i knew my life wudn't b d same again.

Since then, i've had many people pray over me and have myself prayed and hoped many a time that i would be completely healed of the issue. But it just isn't God's will; instead He kept bringing back to me that His grace is all i need. And truly it is all we need! Over time i've come to regard this issue as the thorn in my flesh in which i don't feel low anymore. I'm learning to use this time to spend more time with Him and thank Him for this thorough rest He gives my body every once in a while.

What i'm holding onto dearly...

I thought that I was all alone,
broken and afraid,
but you were there with me,
you were there with me.
And I didn't even know
I had lost my way,
but you were there with me,
yes, you were there with me.
Tell you opened up my eyes I never knew,
that I couldn't ever make it without you.

As I travel on the road,
you have led me down,
you are here with me,
yes, you are here with me.
And I have need for nothing more
Oh, now that I have found
that you are here with me,
yes, you are here with me.
I confess from time to time I lose my way,
but you were always there to bring me back again.

Sometimes I think of where it is I've come from,
And the things I've left behind.
Well, of all I've had,
what I posess,
they can't quite compare,
with what's in front of me.

Even though the journey's long,
and I know the road is hard,
well, the one who's gone before me,
he will help me carry on.
And after all that I've been through,
now I realize the truth
that I must go through the valley,
to stand upon the mountain of God.


(Lyrics from Third Day - Mountain of God)

Getting back to the front!

Enjoyed a nice 10 day holiday. Did nothing except laze around, play around, eat around (a whole lot) and spent loads of time with the family.

But the worst part of getting back from a holiday is that you have to start work! LOL :-D Still reeling from the effects of the holiday, i've been struggling to get back to work since morning - and yeah, there is a load of work to be done!

But the highlight of the entire holiday was the time spent in fellowship with Him who matters most. It was sprung upon me latter part of the week that i had to preach on Sunday (18/05/2010) at the Naga Christian Fellowship, Hyderabad. As i sat to get together His message, i was overcome with a sense of who i was! His words poured and my thoughts were filled word by word what He wanted me to say; I was not prepared for what He wanted to do. The message that He wanted me to deliver was too big for who i am or will ever be.

In tears, i prayed asking for grace and strength to just be the delivery boy and He gave me that and more. Yesterday when i stood up to deliver His message, He just took over and what a message it was - a message that facilitated change in attitude! Not coz i was standing there but because He took charge of my heart, mind and mouth and used me to speak to His people that which concerns His heart. Praise God for He can use even a donkey like me!

As i stood back once He was done, i was left in tears for i knew what He had done through me was not something i was capable of doing myself. I just pray that i would always be found in this position and that i will never be so big that i am not of any practical use to Him!

Link to the Sermon Powerpoint

We are His children...

I spent much of my time the last 2 days just looking at my son and all the antics he played through the day. This is a blessing for me as i usually don't get too much time (not as much as i want atleast) to play with him during a regular working week; i usually leave in the morning when he is still asleep and get back in the evening when he is sleepy. As i spent time with him over the last 2 days, playing with him, reading to him, talking to him, something struck me when my dear son got cranky...

My dear son was cranky because he was hungry, tired, sleepy or sometimes plain bored... but no matter how seemingly huge his uproar and refusal to be pacified by me, all it took to divert his attention was a small red pillow! Yup, that's right; one soft small red pillow. All i had to do was give it to him and no matter how cranky he was he immediately gave up his crying (having forgotten all his hunger /tiredness / sleepiness / boredom) and got lost with playing with the pillow (of course right now all he wants to do is put it in his mouth). Note that his hunger didn't disappear into thin air during that time, it just was forgotten for the moment...

But this got me thinking... Don't we act the same way many a times ourselves? We might try to mask it all we want, but the truth is a lot of times in our lives we are throwing a tantrum with the Gud Ole' Man or refusing to be what He wants us to be or do what He wants us to do - all under the pretext that we are not getting what we want in our lives (just like my son). And all He has to do is bring up an (another) issue in our lives or give us a small breather and we will have forgotten all about we throwing a tantrum in the 1st place for a while. Think about it - when was the last time you were downright out / stressed out and feeling low about something happening in your life (which you felt shouldn't be happening) and all it took was something else to come up (sometimes even just a friend calling us out to a movie) and you forgot all about it for that time?

Lets note again its not like the situation was dealt with by itself; but just that our minds allowed us to forget all about what was happening for some time. In short, all we needed was a diversion mentally in order to stop throwing a tantrum, start feeling better and get on with life; tackling challenges as they come.

What are you going to do the next time you feel low / stressed out / lost? The answer might just lie in stopping to worry about the issue at hand and giving ourselves a breather... Then refocusing our attention on the Gud Ole' Man and asking for His guidance with the situation.

"Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you'll recover your life. I'll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won't lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you'll learn to live freely and lightly." - Mt. 11: 28 - 30 (The Message)

 He did not say this for no reason! All we have to do is stop worrying, stop getting anxious and go to Him who gives us grace. And He will give us something else to play with (just like i gave my son the pillow) and take care of our issues while we are still distracted (just like my wife and i got lunch ready while our son was engrossed with the pillow)...

Don't get me wrong... I'm not suggesting that He will take away completely my worries / anxieties / troubles when i go to Him; though that's what He might choose to do at times. For even if he chooses to let us remain in those situations for then, know that He will give us what we need to tackle the situation; just like i put the pillow into my son's hands when he was bored. In short, we are never short of His grace in our lives; whether it be for Him to work a miracle that will change the situation we are in (and don't want to be in) or whether it be for Him to give us what we need to sustain the situation!

Its no wonder He refers to us as His children... Think about it...

Summer Vacation

A long awaited vacation is underway starting off today. We might not be able to go out for a holiday, but just want to make sure that we spend time together as a family in and around Hyderabad (probably with outings to the outskirts). But more than anything else, i want to spend this time with leisurely hours of prayer and getting back to where He wants me to be - deep in His presence.

One very pertinent question on my mind even as i prepare myself for the 10 day holiday (yes, that means i don't work at all) is why our ride with Him becomes such a roller coaster over a period of time. Is it not possible for us to maintain that straight upward walk with Him? Because as we all look back, i'm sure that we all can recognize how we have had ups and downs in our walk with Him. If this is the way it is meant to be, then why would the Gud Ole' Man tell us to seek Him first? Is our ups and downs a result of the red guy swaying us away from the object of our faith?

With these questions on my mind, i prepare to start off my (summer) vacation.

Will you still praise Me???

I spent the entire weekend in office shifting our Server and Networking Infrastructure to another room. During the course of this time (weekend), things were nothing short of crazy and i was just short of despair as nothing fell into place.

You touch one thing and the other would stop working; you do everything right, still things do not work. It was Sunday evening and i had to ensure that everything was working so that operations would not be affected from Monday; not to mention the fact that 2 high profile meetings were scheduled starting Monday. After 2 days of this madness, i was in tears (due to the pressure) and in desperation cried out to the Gud Lord. Then happened the 1st miracle - what seemed un-fixable over the course of 2 days, all fell into place in 45 minutes. The best part of it was, we did nothing new; merely tried what we had already done atleast 10 times earlier... Wow! Couldn't stop thanking God for He reigned supreme over situations and circumstances that we were able to do nothing about.

2 hours after that, tired, weary and exhausted (but VERY RELIEVED & THANKFUL) my team and me left for home. Woke up early today morning as had to come back to office to ensure everything was working fine for the meetings. As i was getting ready, kept praying that He would make sure that everything worked like clockwork today. And in His still small voice, i heard the Holy Spirit whispering to me a very pertinent question that stumped me... "If nothing worked the way it should and the whole network crashes today morning, will you still praise me???" The first thought that came to my mind is that if such a thing happened today, it would be my job at stake as the management would surely be breathing blood... But i replied with truth in my heart... "Lord, come what may i will not cease praising You!" Promptly i was reminded of Peter and how he denied Jesus before the cock crowed. I just said a short prayer for grace to not be like that... With that i started getting ready and promptly forgot all about this l'il conversation i had.

Reached office and almost sat back on my seat to relax because everything was working fine! But peace was not mine to be (atleast not for then) - all of a sudden and without warning, the entire network collapsed. Nothing was working. I rushed to the server room and started tweaking wires here and there. Tried plugging, unplugging, re-plugging, redoing - nothing worked. The network just refused to respond. I was back to my state of despair from the previous evening. I had 15 minutes before the meetings commenced and the network needed to get working before that. I was mad, furious and agitated. There was no reason for everything to stop working suddenly. We seemed to be back to square one. Exhausted and almost driven to tears, i sat down and switched off all networking equipment (sometimes a simple restarting of them helps).

As i sat down there, i again felt that familiar soft whisper of the Holy Spirit - "Will you still praise me?" My immediate response was "Lord, I just don't feel like it right now. And on top of that i have to get this thing working and NOW!!!" The immediate reply was simple - I was reminded (again) of Peter.

I stopped dead in the tracks of the racing thoughts in my mind and told my team to join me in a prayer. I prayed for grace for myself to trust Him. I prayed for the situation and I thanked God and praised Him for He was in control. I committed everything into His hands and asked that it would work well so that the meetings would commence and go on well so that the people attending would go back to their places of influence and made that difference for God's glory. I prayed for wisdom to deal with the issue at hand. And i THANKED HIM FOR HE IS IN CHARGE! As we were praying there was a sense of calm that took over and the 2nd miracle took place!

We finished praying, switched back the network equipment and for some strange reason, i started doing something that didn't make any logical sense. I don't know why i did it (it is not standard networking procedure or troubleshooting technique) and i can't remember what thoughts were in my mind as i did it; but as i look back i know i (my logical mind) was not the one calling the shots then. I hooked up things in a very different manner - in a manner that doesn't make any sense from a networking perspective. But guess what - immediately the entire network was back up and working. And yes, one minute later the meetings commenced as scheduled :-) A pastor once told me - "Our God specializes in granting us miracles between the neck and the knife" (with reference to Abraham & Isaac)

After confirming that things were working fine, my team and me took a step back and relooked and relooked and relooked at the new configuration i had setup. It made no logical sense whatsoever! We could think of no explanation of how this could possibly work!! And yet everything was working like clockwork!!! It is now 8 hrs later and there have been no issues since then :-) I still can't understand what made me put together this radical new configuration which makes no networking sense. I also still can't give any logical explanation as to why it is working!

But i do know one thing - i was prompted in the morning with one question - "If nothing worked the way it should and the whole network crashes today morning, will you still praise me???" Just like Peter, my response was i will Lord! But when the time came and He put me to the test, i was not just unwilling to praise Him, i was almost refusing to. Yet when i pushed myself and praised Him, wholeheartedly putting my trust in Him and praising Him for the fact that He was in charge of the situation; things changed for the better.

Our praise can work wonders too!!! The same God who shook the ground and broke open the doors of the prison Paul was in; as he CHOSE to praise God while in shackles is alive and wanting to give us our miracle when we most need it. Is it our not praising (and this is due to not trusting) Him in these situations the reason for the delay, postponing or (in some cases) the reason why we never receive our miracle?

The incidents of today morning made me realize one thing - we need His grace even to trust Him and praise Him. When all else fails and nothing seems to work out, when situation seems grave and nothing you do seems to have any effect; when you are full of anger and agitated about the way things are going, when you have no strength left and the last thing on your mind is praising God - Will you still praise Him???

Long Silence

Its been 7 months since i put up my last post; and i myself having asking the question why!

Its been an eventful 7 months. My wife and me were blessed with a l'il bundle of joy in December '09 and since then life has not been the same. To top it all, the Gud Ole' Man up there has been teaching me things in the silent; lessons that i have to experience to learn and realizations that He gives me of things past. Truly when i look back at life, He has been taking me through and teaching me the cost of discipleship. But during this time if there has been something constant, it is His love for me, His provisions that never fail, His grace that has been new every morning and His mercy that still chooses not to give up on me.

Coming back to why there have been no posts - one simple word: stealing. If i were to summarize the most pre-dominant feeling i've faced over the last couple of months its been a down of dealing with no confidence, no self-esteem and no self-worth. And the more i think about it, its because i've allowed the red guy to steal away from within me all the treasures that the Gud Ole' Man has placed in me. Worse still, that i allowed myself to believe the lies that guy told me about who i was.

And so it was until the Lord gradually helped me regain my confidence (this time the right way up), renewed my energy through His Word and kept me reminded through 1 Cor 7, His grace is all i need. I don't need to complain anymore, for i have the gift of the handicap from Him to keep me in touch with my limitations; for when i am weakest He is strong.

7To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. 8Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. 9But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. 10That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. (2 Cor 12, The Message)

With that attitude, i'm back n ready. Lead on Father!