If you have known me from my teen days then you will know just how hyperactive, impulsive, spur of the moment, always craving for action kinda guy i was. You would also then know just how stick thin i was and yet had the energy of a horse. I wanted to do everything, be everywhere and know everything (of things i was interested in); and i would get very frustrated when i was not able to finish what i had set out to do. Most importantly i never wanted to be a 9 -5 job kinda guy. This is all because I was born full of nervous energy and as a dear friend once pointed out, that is what drives me. That all changed after my surgeries of course. I yet wonder at times whether that unusual corrugated bundle of nerves the doctors found on the outer surface of my heart was in any way synonymous to the nervous energy that filled me and kept me going.
Yet what most people do not know about me is that right from my childhood days, i have been torn apart from within. This is owing to the ongoing tussle that would take place between my nervous energy and my quiet side; needless to say my nervous energy won most times, at least earlier. Things took a drastic U-turn when after surgery i had limited energy resources per day. This was because of my compounded full blown heart condition and the medication i was taking everyday (which will continue all through life); it just slowed me and my thinking down. I had to discipline myself to use the energy i had, to do what were the most important tasks required for that day. Very quickly and with no choice my nervous energy and all its tag alongs (hyperactivity, impulsiveness, etc.) died down. I became the mostly level headed, mostly calm and collected, mostly planned guy people know me to be today.
But my original dominant nervous energy has never departed; only kept under wraps. I figure i have managed to be this way primarily because i almost mastered the trick of channeling this same nervous energy in a planned and organized manner, so as to achieve the targets of that day. Notice though i said almost mastered. There are times when the aqueducts and pipes blow and then all hell breaks loose. The last week has been spent bringing under control one such massive leakage. And it was all triggered by my health being bad again!
I woke up breathless, missing my family and feeling lost in thoughts and frustrated. While part of the reason for my getting into a panic mode in my mind might have been the sudden death of my brother-in-law (wife's eldest brother) who was just 48 and me thinking about my never getting better health condition and what i was doing in my life when i still had time; the reason for the frustration was nothing new (when such leakages occur). My nervous self has wanted always to achieve much in life but all such plans had to be put on hold over the last 5 years. What i wanted to do by the time i was 30:
Yet what most people do not know about me is that right from my childhood days, i have been torn apart from within. This is owing to the ongoing tussle that would take place between my nervous energy and my quiet side; needless to say my nervous energy won most times, at least earlier. Things took a drastic U-turn when after surgery i had limited energy resources per day. This was because of my compounded full blown heart condition and the medication i was taking everyday (which will continue all through life); it just slowed me and my thinking down. I had to discipline myself to use the energy i had, to do what were the most important tasks required for that day. Very quickly and with no choice my nervous energy and all its tag alongs (hyperactivity, impulsiveness, etc.) died down. I became the mostly level headed, mostly calm and collected, mostly planned guy people know me to be today.
But my original dominant nervous energy has never departed; only kept under wraps. I figure i have managed to be this way primarily because i almost mastered the trick of channeling this same nervous energy in a planned and organized manner, so as to achieve the targets of that day. Notice though i said almost mastered. There are times when the aqueducts and pipes blow and then all hell breaks loose. The last week has been spent bringing under control one such massive leakage. And it was all triggered by my health being bad again!
I woke up breathless, missing my family and feeling lost in thoughts and frustrated. While part of the reason for my getting into a panic mode in my mind might have been the sudden death of my brother-in-law (wife's eldest brother) who was just 48 and me thinking about my never getting better health condition and what i was doing in my life when i still had time; the reason for the frustration was nothing new (when such leakages occur). My nervous self has wanted always to achieve much in life but all such plans had to be put on hold over the last 5 years. What i wanted to do by the time i was 30:
- Finish my M.Th. in Theology from SAIACS
- Finish at least 1 more Master's Degree, preferably in IT Security (through correspondence)
- Register for starting my PhD in Theology
- Finish writing at least 1 book
- Start a Christian FM radio station
- Be in a position financially where i was able to devote not just my energy and time, but also money i'd earned towards the Kingdom work
- Start work alongside the church in China
- Travel across India
- Travel to at least 3 other countries
- Learn at least 3 foreign languages
- Have a meaningful job where i could clearly see the difference i was making in people's lives and the proclamation of the Gospel
Of course i have always wanted to do and achieve all of this for His glory.
Instead what i find myself doing while running 31:
- No further education completed over the last 5 years
- Nothing written exceeding 2 pages
- Giving freely towards Kingdom work a distant dream as i struggle financially
- No travel even in India undertaken over the past 5 years
- No other languages learnt
- Working with IT; completely unsure what He has in store for me or wants me to do in the long run
In short i have done nothing that i wanted to do. And if i were analyze the reason why not even one of the things i set to achieve has gotten done, it will all boil down to 1 thing - my health not permitting me the energy i need to do anything extra other than doing my 9 - 5 job well and spending some remnants of my energy for the day with my son and wife. Sometimes i wish i was able to do much more with them too.
The overall result of this all - i felt like a failure, started feeling low and went into borderline depression. Not having my wife and son around didn't help much and neither did the fact that i didn't get too much of good food during this time. Was struggling hard with channeling back all this pent up nervous energy firstly by trying to distract myself by doing a movie marathon (4 movies, back-to-back from 11 am to 11 pm), eating as much comfort food as possible and trying hard to get my job done well, but to no avail. That was up until last night.
I have often times been criticized by my wife and very close friends saying that:
- I think too much
- I really ought to make more realistic goals for myself in order to make them achievable and not get myself disappointed
- I need to just give all my dreams and aspirations to Christ and allow for Him to work out things in His time, in His way; for He only always gives us much more than we ask for or imagine...
To this i have always had to say that i do not think too much; that's just me. Also i am a firm believer of the quote, "Reach for the moon, if you miss you will land among the stars" and as such a more in-achievable goal is always better to drive you forward. But i must accept, i have never really been able to give all of myself; in terms of my dreams and aspirations to Christ. I have somehow at an unconscious level almost never let go and submitted these dreams into His hands.
Last night, we received news of another of Christi's cousins having died a sudden death. After a week of being stuck and muddled up in my own mind, it was a rude awakening again - life is short and unpredictable. But i am not dead and alive still! We are but a vapor in the wind whose very existence is so dependent on Him and His grace, love and mercy. My life may be shorter than others due to my heart condition but the very fact that He chooses to keep it there and not take it away ought to be my clue - He means to use even this weakness of mine for His glory. But more importantly He is not done with me yet; there is much He will yet do in me and through me. My life will have meaning yet - inside and out!
I now realize that i do indeed think too much about the rhetorical, "What am i doing with my life?" question. Also that i need to consciously keep giving back all my dreams, hopes and aspirations to Him so as to allow for anything He wants to be done with it; for i am able to do things, but only through Christ who strengthens me. I do also need to slow down and channelize my nervous energies even further; so as to make myself keep trusting Him, depending on Him and know that He will lead me to where He wants me to be as long as i just submit myself to His will. Finally that through it all, He will indeed take everything that i submit and make it more beautiful than i can ever ask for or imagine.
If you are reading this, keep in your prayers; that i will find His continued grace to calm down and channelize my energies to walk at the pace He wants me to, despite my natural instincts wanting to tear down the track. Also that i will be able to continually release myself whole to Him so that He will be glorified in greater measure. Finally that my energy levels would increase in the days to come... May He be glorified this year and for as long as He grants me life here.